Arise and Eat: Finding God’s Strength When You are Empty
There were multiple times in my eating disorder journey when I truly felt like I had hit rock bottom—like there was nothing I could do to lift myself up, nothing I could do to save me. When I was anorexic, I knew I was sick, out of energy, and felt like giving up on life. There was nothing left of me to give, zero self-worth, and the alternative (eating) felt like a nightmare.
In binge eating, I felt so out of control. The intrusive thoughts were relentless, the addiction was overpowering, and the constant “giving in” felt like a battle between my lack of self-control and spiritual warfare. Bulimia was another dark season. Over the course of a decade, there were countless moments when I just wanted to give up. But God delivered me—and that was a miracle. He met me in the wilderness, gave me what I needed to keep going, and I will forever be thankful to Him for that.
My life in recovery looks very different than when I was in the middle of my eating disorders, and I am SO grateful for that, but that doesn’t mean I need God less. In fact, there are days when I am clinging to Him for dear life. Being a full-time mother and working full time is the best blessing, I could have never imagined I would be able to raise my children full time while also having a career. It’s also incredibly draining. Often, I fall asleep in the middle of praying, doze off during my prayer walk (which makes for some interesting stumbles), or neglect writing to this community even though I truly believe God has called me to do so.
From a food standpoint, which is incredibly important to me, I get frustrated. I don’t make all of our food from scratch the way I once vowed I would. Some healthy snacks have been sitting on my list for months, and instead, I end up eating the same boring foods that could be healthier.
Some days it feels like I could be doing so much better, if only I had the energy and time. Some days, frankly, I feel like I am falling short of who God wants me to be. The truth is though; we all are falling short. With God, you can be certain He will provide. He will give you the nourishment you need, even if it doesn’t look the way you expect. He will guide your steps. Many times, during prayer, I’ve asked Him how I can serve Him, and I’ve felt the Holy Spirit simply tell me to rest. Other times, I’ve felt Him push me to go further than I thought possible. That is the work of the Spirit—guiding me (and you), just as He guided Elijah:
“But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, ‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.’ And/he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, ‘Arise and eat.’ And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, ‘Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.’ And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.”
— 1 Kings 19:4–8 (ESV)
Whatever depletion you’re feeling right now—spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, or even tied to addiction or an eating disorder—remember this: God is walking with you. He will provide what you need. If you’re not sure what that is, be still, listen, and He will show you.
This passage reminds me of how beautiful God’s character truly is. As Christians, it’s easy to get caught up in serving, which is vital. But it’s also important to acknowledge our human limitations. God is holy, omniscient, omnipresent, and sovereign—but in the moments when we’re at our breaking point, He is also compassionate, merciful, and gracious. He meets us right where we are and gives us what we need—even if it’s simply rest and food—to continue the journey He has called us to.
